Simple Thoughts on Love

I miss coming to the page like this, so I offer a return. The blogging challenge offered me a new practice and I am feeling a SACRED YES to what I want to share today.

Several things greeted me this morning. Some of them complicated. Some of them tangled in guilt and shame and fear. Some of them offered an open hand of understanding.

I’ve recently started a new job, which has helped me get out of my head/heart processing space and just get a breather.

It has been glooooorious.

I feel like so many tender things are regrowing on my bones. The marrow in the vitality of life is being transfused once again. This offers a strength that I’ve been hungering for in ways I didn’t even realize.

Something showed up LOUD upon waking, and that has to do with love when it shows up. It had to do with how I show up when it shows up- how I communicate- how I articulate- how I pontificate- how I thrash and push and pull.

The wound connected to having love offered and met showed up, and I reflected on my old behaviors when I moved more frequently from a deficit.

The grace of my sobriety has offered me deep gratitude for having new tools to navigate the deepest wounds and the roots of my pain in ways that cause less harm and invoke more lasting healing.

It’s taken twenty years to get to that, and I reflect now on the porcupine I used to be. The wildish- impish- impulsive self-reliant, self-serving/self-protective warrior of the inner woodlands who would never take no for an answer and who would fight to the death. My claws were sharp and I was savage to those who offered me patience and love.

I had knives out if you got too close.

Always.

I worked in ways to push away first before you could make the cut. All out of self-preservation. I now understand this as hyper-independence as a trauma response to having to care for myself through impossible circumstances.

I was told, some years in my sobriety- I think around year 4 after coming back into realignment with clean living after being out drinking for a good two years of hell-raising and damage-making and havoc-wreaking – the tools that I was using up to that point for self-protection would soon become the very weapons I would use against myself and others to keep love out. I was so bent on keeping out pain that I kept out connection as well.

I decided to pause mid-thought and create something of magic to lend to healing energy of the growth that I have come to know in my life which has saved me from those ways. I have learned to purge things instead of people so that I can keep things open to healing connections and possibilities.

Back to the wounds…

I’ve been mourning deeply that this has been a reality for me. That it was a way that I moved through relationships and the world. That it was the only way I thought things could be.

I’ve been mourning deeply how wild I had to get to take care of myself because I felt to the depth of my core that no one could or would show up for me.

I’ve been mourning deeply everyone I hurt in those early days. Especially myself, for I created a world of great suffering. I thought it was what I deserved at the time- as if all that I had been through was somehow due to me being to blame and I had gotten the sh*t end of the stick because somehow the Universe said that’s what I was owed.

I’ve had to shake loose that nonsense over the years and have come to know and recognize I am deserving of love- especially of my own.

I aim to work on edits today, another great act of self-love, which helps me reinforce my dreams and vision of a beautiful future moving forward.

I wish all of my readers great beauty today, and all the Metta and leprechaun smiles. May magic find its way to your path and your heart.

Blogging with Effy Day Thirty

Last day of this blogging challenge has me wondering what moving forward looks like.

I pulled a few cards today to ask what I needed to know about several situations and I’ve raised my eyebrows several times.

I’m asking for gentleness in whatever emerges today.

I was laying in bed wondering what I would end this month with- what theme or question or intention or aha/musing.

The thing that came to mind was something linked to what emerged in yesterday’s blog about feeding intentions *with* intention in order to catch the dreams by the tail and ride the journey in this flesh-mobile called a body in the best, most joyous way.

I’ve been looking a lot at what I’ve put up on the shelf in terms of parts of myself in connection to sacrifices made due to work, personal life, love. What I’ve come to realize is that I don’t know how to do this dance very well sometimes, but I have it within me to learn the steps as best as I can. That extends in all areas of my life- I may not know how to move through or understand people, places, circumstances, situations, etc. or the meaning that they have on my path when they show up, but I am dutifully inclined to learn more.

I think this is the thing I love most about myself- my willingness to learn from the past and the present so that I can move toward a more clear, concise vision of tomorrow.

I’m calling in all of my helpers today because there is a situation that came to a head last week that about broke me into pieces, but I am taking these things one step at a time and I am often finding repeatedly that I am met with Grace.

I wish all of my readers a massive thank you for holding space for my words and journey this past month. It has meant the world to me for you to just show up and like and comment on words that have been trapped inside of me for months.

I am honored that so many found my struggles as a beacon of hope and inspiration. You don’t know how much it means to have others show up and see and hear and feel you, so I want to offer you a tremendous thank you for showing up for this part of my story.

 I will always be floored by how it works that way- that I can be used- my voice and story- in ways I can’t even see. Seeds get planted in those around me without me even knowing and things emerge for them that I may never get word of. Sometimes I am offered a thank you for your journey. So, I want to offer that to you, dear reader. Thank you for your journey with me into my dance with shadow and light. It has been a bit rough and tumble on some days, but there has been beauty in the breakthrough. I want to offer myself a thank you for holding true to my journey as well.

I have two new jobs awaiting me, as well as edits I need to push through and show up for in a good way so a second book can emerge in gentleness.

This second book was so hard to get through- some of the most difficult obstacles, including two deaths in the family and putting down my beloved pup Bella after 14 years of companionship, not to mention an emergency surgery that had me on bedrest the last leg of the journey.

It’s amazing the importance of how I showed up no matter what- that the hope and the love that emerged in the pages in words and characters was what carried me through. It will continue to carry me through.

Onto the next page, loves. Onto the next chapter. For as this one closes, another magical beginning awaits.

Blogging with Effy Day Twenty Nine

One day to go.

I feel empty of words today. Something that keeps ringing through my head is the power of intention and the importance of taking life by the dreams.

I’ve been paying attention more recently to the intentions I set and how much energy I invest in supporting them. In the past, I would choose something for a month’s focus to bring in or release or both, and I would loosely gauge how I would move to sabotage or support what I was putting out into the ether as a request for change.

This past month has been brutal with my intentions. I’ve put some very important energy behind bringing some things into being and releasing what’s necessary in order to move into transformation smoothly.

But who am I kidding? Transformation is never smooth, right? If you’re like me when it comes to transformation, you kick and buck in the flames as the old version of habits/living passes onto the sacred ground of offering.

I added gentleness to my intentions, and even in that there have been some incredibly testing circumstances that have shown up in my face almost to ask- is this really what you want?

I’m halfway through the month with my heart intention this time around and I feel pressed to fight tooth and nail for what I’m trying to create for my next chapter.

It is taking everything in me not to give up and just say forget it. I’ll settle like every other time. I’ll scuttle back into the old way of doing and seeing things and just give up this fight for what I deserve.

This vow to self feels so important but it’s draining me almost daily to hold onto the potential.

It makes me think of how I have to show up to the page every day in one form or another in a dedication to self and my creative work in order to honor my gifts in a good way. I want to honor that I deserve happiness in a good way. There are so many days I want to throw in the towel and say- forget it. It’s not worth all of this work.

But then I wake up another day and keep trying. And that’s the only way through this- one day at a time.

Blogging with Effy Day Twenty Eight

The air feels thick with uncertainty and whirling maple leaves, as if something is transitioning in a ripe and just way.

There is a smell of rotting leaves making way for new growth  in the breeze, and I think of the places within myself that are falling away and turning into mulch or groundcover or musty nourishment for a new pathway of emergence.

It is the time of storms in my area- storms that have the potential to devastate everything in their wake. I usually have dreams about upcoming tornados, whether they are playing out in waking life or just a symbol of emotional unrest around me and how to find stillness no matter what stirs around me.

I woke up falling behind and choked by unmet expectations and I have to decide whether or not that’s setting the tone for the day. I think about the importance of turning things over to move to a place of gentle acceptance that some things are outside my control and I have no means meddling with. I used to physically turn things over in supple earth when I would plant new seeds in my actual garden, so I am having to find a new ritual these days. I move to fire- to release through smoke and prayer to the very same wind that speaks of oncoming storms and the electric sting of change. It is the time of the Full Moon, which means releasing things/beliefs/habits that no longer serve and are blocking what I aim to bring forth in the coming days and weeks. Just keep swimming, love. We are almost there.

There are some levels of turning over that I feel I am more capable of, but more often than not, I hold tight and need to have a hand on the wheel no matter what because full surrender scares the ever-living crap out of me. #traumaresponse

I’m doing better these days, despite the rigmarole of obstacles I seem to face almost on the daily.

Life is a bit of a labyrinth, but I’d much prefer that than a dumpster fire, that’s for sure.

I’m going to step forward through the rest of my day, paying attention to my internal barmometric meter sensing something on the wing. I will offer up prayers and smoke for great gentleness for whatever wicked this way comes. It may not even be wicked. It may be stopped or rerouted or dismantled before it even makes its approach. Either way, I intend to surround myself with a sacred boundary of “love may only enter here on this day”. My bones can’t take any more unexpected hits. It’s time to pause, please Universe. I am struggling to keep up.

I note how this monthly challenge is almost complete and I consider everything that I had to work through personally to keep showing up to make it to the finish line. Some days felt completely impossible and I could only offer the meekest of whispered words. I aim to complete what I started, and that goes with any intention that I have set forth to bring in new beauty, love, and possibility moving forward.

And so it is…

Blogging with Effy Day Twenty Seven

This feels like another day where I have to calculate and measure words accordingly. If I were to select a handful, what would they be? Would the be kind? Necessary? For the highest good for all involved?

I think about a handful of silence and what I can do with that. I can cut myself on it with ambiguity. I can move into restless rumblings and attempt to take the wheel of every circumstance around and inside of me because #ihatepowerlessness. For me, silence brings in a heavy sense of powerlessness.

I sit with that for a moment.

It could be an opportunity to sink deeply inward and find stillness and peace. It could be used to listen intently to the world around me and really hear what it has to say. But for me, silence equals a connection to a wound and I have a hard time sitting still in it. And I’m a Buddhist, so that’s a fun path.

Words and silence are in my hands, while in a place of waiting. Waiting for so many things to offer a clear and definite answer.

Is this the way? Is that? Is this the solution or a place of more destruction?

I will walk gently with this silence, as if I am carrying a small baby bird fast asleep in my palm. I do not wish to disturb anything with my hands anymore.

Blogging with Effy Day Twenty Four

I am a constellation of questions- some stark and aimed at ravaging my heart. Some quiet and appealing and inviting me to embrace with palms to the ground. I am a torrent of fervor in the unknown, desperately grasping at straws that broke the camel’s back. Why must I pull a shield and weapon in this place? Why must I aim repercussions at myself at a maddening rate? Why must the rage of another tear me apart in self-shame?

I am told to not pray for myself, for that is self-centered. I find that ironic, because I want my self to be centered so I question why aren’t we deserving of the same love that we pour out to others?

I’m spending some intentional time today with the force that is anger. With the balm that is forgiveness.

A character deep dive with someone from my books.

Some links to her character are my own connections to anger and forgiveness. How does someone else’s anger plant a seed in me? How does the fruit from that seed plant anger in others as well?

What do I cultivate as a result of unhealed pain? What kind of garden do I tend to perpetuate my righteous and “justified” anger? What fruit am I still feeding others?

In order to understand the motives of my characters, I have to look at what fuels me as well. In order to unearth the healing potential of transformation for my characters, I have to look at what has helped heal me.

I ask questions like :

What is still within me unforgiven? What do I *willingly* hold on to out of justifying my stubborn stance? What am I able to let go of but refuse to and why? And how does holding onto all of this just keep me poisoned in the long run?

Anger is a strange force to engage. I don’t know how to articulate it at times. I don’t know how to express it sometimes without blasting out of a place of fear. I am spending time with my responsibility of how to be a better steward of my anger. Working gently through difficult things through these characters has proven to be the better way.

My character, at some point, will have to face that her actions – out of rage- caused nothing but destruction. That is the dangerous edge of uncontrollable and/ or suppressed anger- the potential for it to explode in all directions. My character, at some point, will have to make a decision to accept her part and make amends as best as she can or continue to engage in destroying everything around her because she refuses to change.

I say my character in reference to fiction, but I apply it to the makeup of my current DNA as well.

There is alot within my character that is unhealed. Alot that she is unwilling to release. And most of that is actually turned inward at herself. She has to decide if she is willing to move from an unwilling place to a yielding point.

Will she make it through the transformation? I move slowly through edits, dodging wildfires left and right just to write. Just to stay in purpose on purpose.

This chapter is one of the most difficult ones I aim to rewrite.

Blogging with Effy Day Twenty Three

I think of a friend’s wise words about what to do when in a dance with our shadowy parts as I open to one of my favorites from Terry Tempest Williams, When Women Were Birds

 “I walk with my shadow behind me, sometimes ahead, and often to the side. It is my capricious companion: visible, then hidden, amorphous. A shadow is never created in darkness. It is born of light. We can be blind to it and blinded by it. Our shadow asks us to look at what we don’t want to see. If we refuse to face our shadow, it will project itself on someone else so we have no choice but to engage.”

I think of what it means to be a capricious companion to myself. To my dreams. To my doubts. I think of all that I have worked through or to be what I am now and I have to ask:

Am I a better version as a result of my intentions?

Choose Your Own Adventure has come up a lot this week in terms of how do I make my choices moving forward. What method do I take in order to make sure that moving forward is in the highest good. That’s actually the exact wording I take with me in any intention or prayer these days. Please Creator… let this be- if it is for the highest good, or… if there is a way and this is the highest good , please Creator, create a way.

The death of an old friend moved me to read through old correspondence in an account I mentioned on DAY FOUR

I am struck by the first email that shows up when I type his name. I read through these words that were written and sent to a group of us twelve years ago. I am struck by who is in this group after I offer a reply to the original sender. It is an account linked to two people and I attempt to make amends for a falling out.

After I go back and realize the reply all and the inboxes in which they will fall I sob, because I haven’t spoken to any of them in a while, and most of them have been a result of a splitting apart in a bad way. I am crying now as I type because at one point we all helped each other. And now there is distance, silence, poison, anger, resentment. I am crying now because in some of the next words I read from this previous teacher is to pray for my heart to stay protected against those very things, lest they take over.

I am fighting with my all to not let any poisons of the past set in, or any poisons of the present to stay too long in my heart, for if I do, I will shut down my loving nature for good. That is not the way for me moving forward, so I draw with everything I can to rewrite what I can, even though I can cause harm- intentionally or unintentionally.

I want to move from a place of lovingkindness, and even in my best efforts, there is still a wild mess to clean up inside and around me.

And this day was an entire wild mess not worth mentioning except that I broke apart in so many ways and I am waiting to be refilled by Grace.

I am still learning. I am still learning.

Bloggin with Effy Day Twenty

I have come to learn that when you play amongst the shadows, you need to bring some light.

This journey started with descent and Skeleton Woman rattling her bones at me. It is time, past retrieval, to ascend.

My daughter and I have this thing when we go on walks to find at least five beautiful things, and when we head back the way we came, to find five more.

I am treating my day this way. I have my heartfelt intentions cast to the earth and sky, and in a place of waiting for emergence, I find what is beautiful in what is.

I ask these questions now, more than ever:

What brings me light to even out the shadow?

What holds to that light within me, day in and day out?

What invokes wonder and invites curiosity?

What takes my hand and heart with great gentleness and generosity?

What offers hope in darkness?

What offers strength in connection?

What offers encouragement to the building dreams within me?

What shows up in the best capacity to tend to the flames of sacred love within?

Those are the things that bring me magic and beauty.

I will list five things of beauty I found today now:

Sacred prayer in a place of pain and how it offers release to things we have no control over.

Sacred community to reach out to when things get dark and I am offered an abundance of light.

Sacred voice in each and every one of us as we learn how to practice advocating for our wants and needs, even when we don’t get it right.

Sacred loved ones that have shown me the depths of my heart, through and through.

Sacred struggles that move me to use my tools and not stay complacent.

Today was particularly rough in the middle of a week that was particularly rough. I feel I have been stripped bare once again- a familiar place I visited at Christmas.  I will continue to count my blessings and see beauty in each step forward.

Blogging with Effy Day Nineteen

My words came late today.

I woke up unsure of what the day would hold for me. There was a flutter of excitement tugging in my gut, so I knew magic was at play. I decided to hit the snooze button to get some added rest because this weekend about took everything out of me.

I woke up about half an hour before a new Creatrix Chat was supposed to be recorded and I’m like F*CK!

I’ve never been late to my own meetings, and this was not going to be the day to start.

I think on patience as I walk my dog, waiting, waiting, waiting for her to find the *perfect* spot for her to lay a giant turd. I literally have no patience with her since I am already rushed and I’ve circled the yard three times. She ,of course, finds the spot that she usually marks but it takes three passes before she goes. I’m like, come on pup- I’ve got to get back to set up.

So, upon returning to my apartment, I have all of my equipment ready just in time to discuss Tending to the Creative Dream Seeds.

I’ve been poked several times to add an extra Creatrix Chat per month, since I only feature one, but I’ve been hesitating. Today, during the chat I was reminded that I typically listen to signs, especially when they show up multiple times. I listen when it’s at least two times.

Knock Knock… who’s there? Opportunity….

So, I make a decision to offer this extra chat through mid May, which you can listen to HERE– If you are needing some inspiration and your fire stoked around creativity and magic, I highly recommend you take a listen. It’s the longest chat I’ve recorded up to this point, and complete magick. Complete magick.

I decide to go through edits to see about screening out any language, since there are some bullsh*ts and a couple S bombs, but I see the length of the video and that nails it for me. I’m keeping it as is since the time stamp is a sign in and of itself.

I type that and I get an alert on my phone stating your VIMEO video is ready, and so it is….

I’ve asked the Universe for some very concise signs connected to good completions and new beginnings and I get the biggest 4×4 upside my woo woo head that I can’t even stand up straight.

There is so much complexity layered in this sign, that the breath is knocked out of me. It is a YES to completions and beginnings in so many ways that it brings me to a sobbing place of goodbye and hello.

I fight myself for a moment around worthiness- can this be true? Can these things really come into form like I requested? Did me Listening to my heart finally lead me true?

I look down at my phone and another confirmation PINGS….

I’m listening. I’m listening…