I miss coming to the page like this, so I offer a return. The blogging challenge offered me a new practice and I am feeling a SACRED YES to what I want to share today.
Several things greeted me this morning. Some of them complicated. Some of them tangled in guilt and shame and fear. Some of them offered an open hand of understanding.
I’ve recently started a new job, which has helped me get out of my head/heart processing space and just get a breather.
It has been glooooorious.
I feel like so many tender things are regrowing on my bones. The marrow in the vitality of life is being transfused once again. This offers a strength that I’ve been hungering for in ways I didn’t even realize.
Something showed up LOUD upon waking, and that has to do with love when it shows up. It had to do with how I show up when it shows up- how I communicate- how I articulate- how I pontificate- how I thrash and push and pull.
The wound connected to having love offered and met showed up, and I reflected on my old behaviors when I moved more frequently from a deficit.
The grace of my sobriety has offered me deep gratitude for having new tools to navigate the deepest wounds and the roots of my pain in ways that cause less harm and invoke more lasting healing.
It’s taken twenty years to get to that, and I reflect now on the porcupine I used to be. The wildish- impish- impulsive self-reliant, self-serving/self-protective warrior of the inner woodlands who would never take no for an answer and who would fight to the death. My claws were sharp and I was savage to those who offered me patience and love.
I had knives out if you got too close.
I worked in ways to push away first before you could make the cut. All out of self-preservation. I now understand this as hyper-independence as a trauma response to having to care for myself through impossible circumstances.
I was told, some years in my sobriety- I think around year 4 after coming back into realignment with clean living after being out drinking for a good two years of hell-raising and damage-making and havoc-wreaking – the tools that I was using up to that point for self-protection would soon become the very weapons I would use against myself and others to keep love out. I was so bent on keeping out pain that I kept out connection as well.
I decided to pause mid-thought and create something of magic to lend to healing energy of the growth that I have come to know in my life which has saved me from those ways. I have learned to purge things instead of people so that I can keep things open to healing connections and possibilities.
Back to the wounds…
I’ve been mourning deeply that this has been a reality for me. That it was a way that I moved through relationships and the world. That it was the only way I thought things could be.
I’ve been mourning deeply how wild I had to get to take care of myself because I felt to the depth of my core that no one could or would show up for me.
I’ve been mourning deeply everyone I hurt in those early days. Especially myself, for I created a world of great suffering. I thought it was what I deserved at the time- as if all that I had been through was somehow due to me being to blame and I had gotten the sh*t end of the stick because somehow the Universe said that’s what I was owed.
I’ve had to shake loose that nonsense over the years and have come to know and recognize I am deserving of love- especially of my own.
I aim to work on edits today, another great act of self-love, which helps me reinforce my dreams and vision of a beautiful future moving forward.
I wish all of my readers great beauty today, and all the Metta and leprechaun smiles. May magic find its way to your path and your heart.