My joy is pierced in this moment. A tapestry of words falls underneath me like decaying leaves- what will become nourishing in the days to come? My throat has been cut by anger into a thousand spears aimed at nothing. Aimed at the rushing within. I tug at all ugliness to reveal a sheath of misunderstanding. I need to release in expression, but my hands take nothing but the wheel.
The cobwebs of creative energy are not as dormant as I imagined. Crawling through a tempest of darkness, I find myself. Writhing. Standing. Joining. Rank after rank, the army of illusion builds an inescapable retreat.
I am beckoned to return to a splayed position of questioning, flanked by the ancestors of doubt and fear. What is Source? Am I aligned with the things that design my tear in two? Am I spilled open into a thousand fears of the past? Do I hold myself sovereign with bit and reign? Do the things that aim to run wild and free within me stop me cold in my tracks?
I have sliced my own tongue with talking. I have been cut with remembering. Things from the past rise up on the daily and I am forced to do what exactly?
Fall away into shadow?
I call on the power within me to strengthen my faith in every step away from what no longer serves and remember who I am in all of this.
What decision faces me in this moment? I return to the place of the Unknown- the place where I tighten my grip and hold fast to the control button. Push or release?
Surrounded by a need to invoke love, I fight everything that pulls my attention toward the anger. I do not wish harm, and yet I do not know where to aim all of this poison? Do I drink it myself?
I do not want to be a vessel for other people’s actions or inactions that have crossed me. I do not want to be storage space for rage.
I have identified certain things that threaten me. Certain aspects of vampirism haunt me- remind me not to drape myself in prideful assumptions that the power within me does not need to be wielded with great care and precision.
I will truly fall away into darkness if I forget my smallness, for that which invokes me to rise up into power reminds me in that very moment, my power impacts the lives of others. How do I choose to use it, like this moment?
Do I return to a place of right size?
What is my right size, for things and circumstance have me wax and wane according to what draws from my strengths or weaknesses in each moment. For I am pushed to recoil or pushed to step out into the light of my purpose- but I must always ask- what do I do with this?
How can I align with humility or power in a way where I am responsible for the ripple effect I have out in the world.
My wonder often gets trapped by misguided hands, but I have to ask, do I offer that too freely in the first place, thinking that I know how they will treat the gift of I Am.
I release myself from a prison with a key I draw up within myself. The Divine within me walks me toward the answers I have known all along.
lavenderlightnotes 