Blogging with Effy Day Thirteen

It just turned midnight, so it now counts as today, so there.

I was laying in bed watching some interesting videos that actually connect quite beautifully with the topic today, which is all about the phoenix.

I pick this specific theme because I have just submitted a third edition of my book for consideration at a new small press located in Texas. My creative work has itself phoenixed into its new form, and I am delighted with the changes that made its way into the world.

There is also an actual phoenix character, who was lovingly drawn from aspects of my own transformative nature, that catalyzes a major turning point in the book for a number of characters. When she transforms, her fiery wake laps at the core in others, moving them into their own shadow light dance.

My book series originally started as a memoir that was deemed unreadable and “of no interest” unless I had some famous name or if I was a clearly defined “somebody”. Within the sections of the original design was nestled a part dedicated to all of the ways that I’ve phoenixed into my current self through deep transformative work.  

I decide to search through my apartment for the misplaced files that I’ve saved labeled “Phoenix” from that original concept. This file homes the parts of me that I had hoped to draw from to write this musing on personal transformation.

I’m scanning through all of the torn pages in my manilla folder and cannot find anything of use.

Interesting.

I have phoenixed past my original phoenix.

Well, at least partially.

Most of it feels too personal. It reminds me I have established sacred boundaries around my truth and all of the hard work that I have climbed through in order to find myself in the depths of shadow. At one point I wanted to share that journey- I was eager to rappel into the depths and retrieve the necessary wisdom for extraction.

Now it feels unnecessary.

What will I write about then?

I decide to try and rewrite a poem from several others in this same file. There is still something missing. I have to sit and wait for the answer.

*Tick Tock*

Nothing appears worth salvaging.

That sometimes happens in the place of ash, when you’ve burned through something once familiar. Sometimes there are bones left to carry with you- to build upon. Sometimes you are left with nothing- your life becomes a full pyre.

I don’t recommend the latter. That was 2020 for me. House. Family. Friendships. Spiritual Community. Marriage. Job. Book contract. Book itself. Author name.

I fell into a darkness, leaving room for one thing only- the Golden flames of eternal Spirit to ignite me from within.

I had to carry on in some form, even if it was the imperfections of once was and ash.

I used to catalyze the phoenix- create unnecessary change and chaos. For a long time I never knew why I would do such a thing. Destroy creative work. Friendships. Myself at my own hand.

After years of healing work, I found out that it was a means for me to try and maintain control. As long as I was the one forcing a change, then the change wouldn’t come and surprise me- it couldn’t take anything from me- I would be a willing participant. I didn’t want to be a victim of anything- especially circumstance.

It’s a raw and destructive way to use your power and lifeforce, if you ask me. Things always have their season, and every season is none like the other. The shedding of the old will always look and feel a little different, even if it taps into the same layers of what fell away before.

I have come to believe that at the core of what transforms us is love. Love of the Divine moving us into our true form- moving us away from what no longer serves- moving us because that is the vitality of life itself. To move and be moved by the embers of the unseen within each of us. Love in another can also transform us into new being.

I never knew that I was capable of loving someone so deeply and truly until I became a mother. It opened up something fiercely healing inside of me and ushered in this stronger version I had never set eyes on.

She is with me now, as is all of the previous versions I have learned to cherish as teachers.

Love of self- and not in a misconstrued lens of self-centeredness- is another piece of the alchemy. The most potent ingredient, if I had a say in things.

What creates the most magical Mystery of emergence is the sacred Trinity of all three- walking hand in hand, we learn to move into new form through Spirit, through others, through the depths of loving all that lives within us.

I have also found that the only way to shine brightest is by plunging ourselves into the depths of the unknown territory of darkness within. Bring a lantern and a compass, of course, because you can and will get lost. I promise.

Those are some actual parts of my own phoenix story that I don’t speak of. Some things that we grapple with in the dark are not meant for reopening. Especially in a platform such as this.

I think of the phoenix, and stages come to mind. The rebirth/birth. The fledgling. The soaring/zenith. The molting/decay. The death/return.

All parts and versions of myself have gone through each of these stages every time I come into new form.

There is something newly emerging in me- she doesn’t quite yet have a name and is a little past fledgling and testing her wings at this moment. I look forward to where she will take me.

I sit and think of the latter stages and think of the element of powerlessness and control. I think of fear connected to losing self through ego death, through the falling away of what’s comfortable and seemingly safe. When I think of powerlessness when it comes to those stages- the tender vulnerable dependent nature of become senile to the once familiar- the once thriving- the once zenith of our loves or lives- I can see why I would try and take matters into my own hands. Push to flame before the decay gets me. Make it on my terms.

I’m getting better at this. I surrender better. Realize sooner. Open my hands a little more to things I typically hold tight to. I ask- how can I deepen in this taking away? How can I release? I move to go with the flame.

Thinking I can stay ahead of the phoenix is one way for me to try and “fix’ or alter a situation/relationship/circumstance. I’ve come to know this, even though it pains me.

I tap into the still silence and face myself- moment by moment- and see what reveals itself- what needs to stay- what isn’t working- what has become kindling and readily ignitable. A graceful retreat into surrender is the last thing I want to do in this place, but I do it anyway.

I do it anyway- because I remember what’s at the heart of that decision- the core of me is being re-Visioned through Spirit, through self, through others.

3 thoughts on “Blogging with Effy Day Thirteen

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