Blogging with Effy… Day 2

Day Two

I’m in the woods again, staring at three closed doors in front of me.

Well, I’m not actually in the woods. I am on this journey more in my mind’s eye.

This is where I go to when I hit a crossroads. This is the place I turn when I activate my Inner Knowing.

I’m standing on an unpaved path. I invite the multicolored doors in front of me to speak. To let me know which one is the true door of opportunity.

The door that calls to me is a deep hunter green. Passionflower vines snake their way around the trellis entranceway. I can almost feel the love and time that have been offered to the arched masonry that cradles this place of opening. It feels magic to me.

I step forward and turn the handle.

The cool, brass doorknob falls to the floor.

I’m locked out from the inside.

What!” my mind screams.

“Is this a trick? Why would I be led to this?”

I don’t even see a keyhole to try and thieve my way through to open it.

“You cannot seek this way,” the door says.

I whittle away the moment into splinters of fret.

“Why can’t I go through?” I scream at this unmoving obstacle in front of me.

“Why would I be offered a closed door that I’m pulled to open?”

I rush to run my hands over the intricate carvings of the woodwork. It speaks even more to me, as if my fingertips are reading, without seeing, what’s on the other side.

I bang on the door in a disorderly mess. Scrape my fists in a frenzy. The ornate design has cut me.

“This cannot be. I have to get through. I have to get through!”

“I open from the inside…The opportunity has to present itself first,” the door replies.

“Oh, I’ll show you!”

Self-reliance kicks in. I turn around, scan my surroundings for something to pry it open. I find several sturdy branches I could attempt to beat the door down with. But that would destroy the beauty. That would demolish the lush greenery. The time that the Great Designer’s hands spent on building every single aspect of this beautiful door would be stolen in a moment of lost control.

I crumple to a pile in front of the door. Several small scrapes upon my palms from the fight with what is are aching. My insides completely torn to shreds. Self-will has taken the wheel again.

I thrash around a bit, fighting myself and what I want like a two-year-old begging for a candy bar. I create a nest of suffering in my being and I just nuzzle right on in. And I stay there, weeping.

As I lay in a heap on the ground, I remember to breathe. And breathe again. An objective moment delights my thoughts as I awaken to how I’m behaving. Shame overwhelms me- heavy waves that threaten to take me under. I waste more precious moments feeling sorry for myself before another objective moment comes to.

Straighten up. Shift. Adjust your sails, love.

I get quiet. Like uncomfortably quiet. A kind of quiet where my body speaks too loud and my mind crowds out my peace and I have to just sit still in all my thrashing. Just for a moment. And another moment.

And then it comes.

I can’t control this outcome. I want to, with all of my might, but I can’t.

I pop an eye open and scramble to my feet, convinced I have solved the riddle.

“Are you called Powerlessness?” I ask the door.

“Are you still trying to manipulate what is?” The door replied.

“F*ck!”

I drop to my knees and realize I am without the old tools, yet I am attempting to wield and reshape them with what I have, and what I have is to wait. I can feel this fight welling up inside of me, in an attempt to ruin my chance to step through at the right time. Who will I destroy first? This door or myself?

Why can’t I just be?

I empty my shame into silent pools of tears at my feet. I touch my forehead to the earth and sink into release. I don’t want to be the warrior in this place. I don’t want to scramble about and fight with the here and now. I want to be at peace.

“What do I do in the meantime?” I ask quietly, surrender close at hand.

“You could possibly pray for willingness to let things go. But don’t ask for patience, dear one,” the door offered empathetically.

“I wouldn’t dare, because I know I will get more of these uncomfortable tests and opportunities to practice what I’m asking for. I know I want patience in this place, but I don’t want the opportunity to practice it.”

“You know that’s the only way through, right?” the door said. I could almost hear a smile in its tone.

“This is the way you’ve always done things. It’s time to reconsider,” it offers encouragingly.

“You have this moment. Be grateful.”

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12 thoughts on “Blogging with Effy… Day 2

  1. effywild713 says:

    I’ve got Leonard in my head now – “I’ve seen these rooms and I’ve walked these floors, you know I used to live alone before I knew ya.” ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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